For The Thrill
“Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death.”
-Omar N. Bradly
The Normandy landings of World War II constituted the largest seaborne invasion in all of history. Movies such as Saving Private Ryan depict the hell those troops lived through; with shrapnel, bodies, and bombs filling the air as they charged ahead. For many who would later join the military, those invasions were a sign of bravery. For most of my life, I wanted to join the military. I wanted to show that I had the bravery to stand when my body wanted to run, to push forward against an evil empire, to be remembered as a hero. I no longer am able to join the military, though my desire to be brave has never left me. It hangs over me like the marionette lines controlling a puppet, always pushing me to be brave, to look on in the face of horror. One of horror’s many faces, at least for me, is the visage of a clown.
***
“Listen, I know you’re scared. I’m scared, but we have to do this.”
“And why the hell do we have to do this?”
“Jackie, come on. Are we going to let a clown, a literal clown stop us from seeing a good movie?”
“Yes! You’re scared of clowns; I’m scared of clowns. Why would we watch a movie about clowns?”
It was like every day in Miami, the sun baked our skin like an oven bakes a chicken. Our only reprieve was the glistening pool in front of us as we sipped from our glasses of wine.
“Let’s look at the trailer. If we’re good after, then we’ve got this.”
“Fine; you know that we’re not going to be good after this, right?”
I raised a finger to my lips, “Shh, one must believe.” I opened YouTube on my phone and typed “IT Trailer 2017” A red balloon obscuring a white-faced clown appeared across the phone screen. I turned to Jackie, “It’s go time.” I motioned to Jackie and after rolling her eyes, she scooted next to me. Once we were shoulder to shoulder, I pressed the play button.
For most of the trailer, I held the line. I was brave in the face of the clown. Then a child, featured in the first frame of the trailer appeared. He wore a yellow raincoat in a pool of water and smiled, saying “You’ll float too,” in the light voice that children have. He repeated it. He repeated it over and over again until a clown emerged from the pool dripping like a wet long-haired dog. He then rushed towards the screen, and I threw my phone up in horror as Jackie and I ran away. The phone that cost more than I made in a month flew into the air as Jackie and I ran for cover. That was in August.
***
One month later, we were back in New York. It was late September and the fall chill had begun to hit the city.
As Jackie and I were walking back from class, I had a thought. “Jackie, I just remembered, there’s something that we forgot.”
“No, I wrote down the homework. I can share my notes.”
“No, stupid. It’s not about class, it’s never about class. IT was released.” She stopped walking to make sure I registered her words.
“How stupid are you? You threw your phone after the trailer. I think we’ve seen all that we need to.”
“But, and hear me out, what if we saw it with someone who wasn’t afraid?”
“I wouldn’t buy a ticket, no matter who I’m going with.”
“No problem, I’ll buy them. We share this fear, we have to beat it.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“If I buy the tickets and find a brave person, will you come?”
“Sure.”
We continued our walk to the dorms, I texted friends, trying to determine who was brave enough to act as the rock for Jackie and me. My friend Sam was the prime candidate. She had a black belt in karate and we’d shared enough haunted houses for me to know that she feared no clown. As soon as we were back in the dorms, I purchased three tickets to IT. Sam signed on and Jackie agreed, since she didn’t have to pay and could cover her eyes during any parts that scared her.
One week later, Jackie, Sam and I walked to the movie theater. I was ready to face my fear. Jackie was ready to hide from her fear and Sam was ready to laugh at our shared fear.
In the darkened theater, I nestled between my two friends. I love horror, even if I’m not quite brave enough to address my fears without being flanked on both sides.
I think that my love of the genre began with my mother. Growing up, she loved horror movies and we would spend many nights, after all of my siblings had fallen asleep and my father had decided that they were not for him, watching horror movies together and eating the night’s second last supper. Maybe French toast, maybe a slice of an apple crisp, but always something delicious. Though that only occurred when I was in my teens. When I was younger, she refused to let me, her five-year-old son watch them with her. However, that never stopped me. I would army-crawl through the hallway, making as little noise as possible, so that I could ever so gently push the door of my parents’ room open. The bone-chilling soundtracks would pull me in like a lasso. Sometimes, it would take what felt like an eternity to open the door slowly and subtly enough to see the screen. On one of my missions into covert horror, I saw something that would change my life forever.
After meticulously opening the door, I stared into the 32-inch television screen. What greeted me was a man with a red nose, white face paint and striking red hair. He grinned at the children onscreen, revealing his shark-like rows of teeth to them, to me. I was entranced by the man dressed like Loonette, a clown with a dolly named Molly from the children’s series The Big Comfy Couch. Only Loonette never smiled that way. Loonette never lunged at children. Loonette never left a room covered in blood. Loonette would never be my first thought of a clown again.
***
The movie began as expected. Jackie covered her eyes; Sam had a few jumps from the scares, and I clenched my fist, knocking on my knees each time I got scared. In addition to trying my best to be brave, I always try my best to get my money’s worth out of any situation.
As the movie progressed, my fear of the unknown grew. The confidence and bravery that I entered the cinema with was slowly deteriorating, like the flesh of the monstrous leper form taken on by Pennywise the dancing clown. Better known as “IT”.
The movie is creepy, IT is scary, especially for a coulrophobe (a person with a fear of clowns) like me. There is one scene in the movie that shattered my defenses. The kids are all gathered in the garage of Bill, the leader of the group. The kids look at the family slide projector when it takes on a life of its own, much to their confusion. First, it flickers to life. Then, it begins to cycle through family photos. In one, the father is holding Bill at a baseball game, in another, the whole family is riding on a rollercoaster and one that appears to show the family outside of church in formal wear. All of the photos feature Georgie, Bill’s younger brother and one of Pennywise’s first victims. The slide projector then zooms in on Georgie. Each new slide a closer shot. The click of images cycling through the projector increase in frequency, speeding up and increasing the focus on the photo outside of the Church. In this photo, the mother is next to Georgie, her hair is tussled playfully by the wind. As the scene progresses, the focus shifts from Georgie and slowly moves to the mother. The mother first looks as if she’s yelling something, likely because the wind is blowing her hair all over her face. Then her hair covers her face entirely for a frame. The next frame shows the smiling Pennywise under the hair. The kids are scared in the garage. I am scared. Jackie is scared. Everyone, even Sam, is scared.
One of the children kicks the projector, but it does not turn off. Instead, it shows a distorted Pennywise. His distorted face is on the screen for a few moments before it disappears. Then, a bug-eyed, wild haired, fanged beast in a clown suit separates himself from the screen, lunging towards the children.
My fists clench and my body rocks. Pennywise jumps out of the screen and my clenched fists jump to my rocking knees. My right fist went down quickly, but slower than my knees rise. The resulting collision catapults my closed fist into my face, causing me to knock my glasses off as I manage to punch myself in fear.
Jackie, Sam and everyone around us laughs. I just experienced pure terror, but for everyone in my position, I provided levity. A brief reprieve from their terror.
After that moment, my fear was mostly in check. Just so you know, I am also afraid of dolls and there is a scene that features clown dolls, so this movie was basically a special hell for me.
One of the children, Richie is afraid of Dolls, and Pennywise knows. Richie is drawn into the darkness and away from a friend by a voice that calls to him. The room is almost impossible for the viewer or character to see well and the door closes, of its own accord, behind Richie.
Lights flicker to life, slowly revealing that the room is filled with clown dolls. They all wear painted white faces with bright smiles painted across their faces. As Richie begins to realize what the situation may be, the room begins to fill with laughter. Richie then turns around and I jump at the scare that is a white-faced doll in a striped suit, appearing behind Richie. The lights flicker more as Richie gets closer to the taller dolls that line the walls. Bravely, Richie reaches his hand towards one of the dolls and as the music, swells it sounds like a beating heart. Richie knocks on a doll.
The music suddenly stops, and Richie says something that speaks to me, “Stupid clowns.” After Richie insults the clowning profession, he hears items fall and turns to find the cause. Drapes that once covered a coffin have fallen to the floor. The coffin lid opens, revealing some word, written in what appears to be blood. Richie approaches the coffin, I exhale, knowing that I would have ran away and one of the clown dolls turns its head to watch Richie get ever closer to the coffin. He removes the veil covering the body, only to see that the body, is his. Or rather, the body is a maggot filled doll, dressed exactly like him. Richie slams the coffin shut and Pennywise jumps out, causing Richie and I to both fall backwards. I am in a seat, so I only rock. The clown, then says “beep beep Richie” as it mocks the “got your nose trick” and lunges towards him. My heart races as Richie tries to run backwards, before he is luckily pulled through the door by his friend, Bill.
That was a very intense scene for me. However, after I punched myself in the face, even that wasn’t quite as scary.
Two years after the movie, after the fears of nightmares passed, I decided to purchase It. After the fear that was inspired by the movie, I was looking for something to match it. It was almost like I was chasing a high. I watched many horror movies since seeing It in theaters, hoping for something that wouldn’t just make me feel uncomfortable, but would really scare me. I read horror novels, waiting for the terror to reach out and make my heart race. And it did. The books never scared me the same way though, I felt too removed. My imagination could conjure up all of the creatures that I would read about, but I never felt like they were after me.
As a movie, It stayed with me. It inspired the same rush that any act of terror, from skydiving to running through a haunted house can conjure. The visceral fear inspired by Movies like It is not just scary, it’s exhilarating. The reason that I would sneak to watch horror movies was not just because I thought that she was cool (she is) but because even as a child, I felt cool, even brave, when conquering something that really scared me.
Horror movies are a good time for me not because they are fun, they are only fun because they scare me. They provide a rush of adrenaline to the viewer when they are done well. Perhaps then, it is best that I was never a part of the Normandy invasions, never a part of the military. I want the thrill of a moment more than the bravery required for a moment. Also, I’m afraid to die. Some fears don’t have to be conquered in short order.